ur dog is so gonna tell on us one day.
for doing what?
for smoking bowls out on the deck while your parents aren't home.
My kindergarten teacher served me... All coming full circle
Wait. You NEVER used a Dizzy Doodler pen as a vibrator?!?
To drink from my fkask next to a cop car or to not drink from my flask next to a cop car
the evidence suggests last night I either took a bath in beer or drank 18 beers while in the bath. either one sounds good to me. sad i don't remember it
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
He stumbled in drunk at 7am, while we were getting ready for work. He poured a bowl of Cap'n Crunch, poured Jack Daniels on it., and said he was having "Captain Jack" for breakfast. I don't know how he's alive and employed. I hope the Cap'n calls in sick for him today.
you know that moment when all the alcohol kicks in and suddenly you realize the bar is very loud and you just want to bite someone sexy and ride their face i am kinda at that moment
Your actions as of last night have earned you over thirty new nicknames.
You seriously don't remember crying about how much you miss your mom right before we hooked up?
He sent me a dick pic from his living room and it has pictures of his three kids in the background
I'm handling the NHL draft worse than getting dumped this week
I sat on his face and watched Mean Girls. It was a good date.
if jesus wore shoes made out of pure flavor and hurricane kicked u in the face thats how it feels to eat pizza bites right now
I just puked on a sprinkler…Motherfucker tried to spray me
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