I'm retiring my vagina. Better yet I'm Farve-ing it.
Def the best call fo sho
That way it can come out of retirement anytime and play for different teams. And it can wear Wranglers.
guess where i woke up this morning? If you guessed the hospital, you sir are correct.
Apparently, banging my bartender ex-girlfriend = free drinks again. Not every bad decision is a wrong decision.
Sandwiches are there for you when porn isn't.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
I have now hooked up with 8 of the Apostles. I have no idea where I'm going to find a guy named Bartholomew.
Nothing like puking into an empty cooler at a red light on the way to get plan b.
i can feel the knowledge leaking out of my brain
replace it with alcohol - nature abhors a vacuum
I woke up with the suicide hotline number saved as 'Hot Guy Josh'
A drunk hobo just gave me a fist bump. Because I know what a womb is.
We don't know where he is but he left his pants and what appears to be a tooth here so he's gotta come back sometime
I broke her handcuffs. I feel like an animal.
the puppy had a little leather gag and was using a ball gag as a fetch toy
He hit me up on Grindr and called me "bro." I just have to assume that the sex is going to be bad.
Why is there a whip in the kitchen?
Randomize
