Nothing gets me like the O.C. theme song does.
They left shortly after you claimed the dirty rug as your mattress and began alternating between singing "Dayman" and "Nightman"
im not an educated person. i just do things. and it works out in my favor
Tortellini makes me feel like I'm eating hundreds of little vaginas
I wish there was a lawn mower version of Roomba so I could just drink and cheer it on from the stoop.
why is there cat hair all over my deoderant?
she wanted to smell more freshershest than you.
She had her laptop open and there was microsoft word opend and all was written was "no italianoo"
Good thing I took the morning after pill cuz I pretty much had packaged seamen in me like I was a squirrel saving it for later or something
I was just told that i'm a premature cuddler. . . What does that even mean?
Whatever it is you failed
Never backflip into an above ground pool. I think the gash will be smaller by Monday though.
if I open my eyes, my head will explode. that hungover.
We designated a driver... But it was me..... So we designated another driver
Let's get drunk and go to Walmart and just tackle people at random.
MAN I GOT NO SLEEP AND HAD A BREAKFAST OF SKITTLES AND ASPIRIN. I'M LIVING THE LIFE.
i am one UTI away from banning your fingers from my vagina
Randomize
