You never realize just how much you have to be thankful for until you almost shit yourself in a Target.
Sorry for talking about super scientific shit so much last night, I know it bugs you sometimes when I don't shut up.
What? You sat on the couch for a solid 2 hours staring at your fingerprints and the only word that came out of your mouth was "how"
Truelife: I made out with my ex-boyfriend's girlfriend this weekend. Thank you Captain Morgan...
Was she wearing cherry chapstick??
No. Life's not always a fairytale.....
I have no idea what happened after 2 AM. I woke up on my bike, in my bed, with a deep thigh bruise.
i need to buy one of the child leashes to wear at mardi gras or else im never making it out alive
Given my current decline of critical thinking and capacity for speech it's probably best u call the cops
I was very proud of myself that day. I had an awesome time. I don't care if I negatively impacted others.
Sending a dick pic with a 2010 time stamp on it is violation of proper sexting etiquette
i think the title to my autobiography shall be, "a bottle of vodka and various pieces of meat"
and this is why you're my favorite gay friend.
Take a good hard look at your life. And the number of 18-20 year olds that you have made out with in the last 6 months... and then keep doing whatever the fuck you want.
You told me that they girl who was giving you a handjob under the table looked a little like your sister
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I like how zombie Abe Lincoln and hooking up with a girl were on your same thought process.
I was at the pharmacy picking up my herpes medication and the pharmacist asked if I had any questions about my medicine, looked at the bottle, and laughed. Insult to injury man.
If sex isn’t mentioned at least three times at the dinner table, I’m not interested...
Randomize
