Just saw a girl that looks like Michelle Obama and Im strangely aroused by her. Does that make me a democrat?
Dear man in the lobby please go play whith yourself elsewhere
I wish they had an "I'm Stoned" genre on online Netflix
He was spoon feeding me wine all night.
if the best thing you can say about him is "he probably wont kill me" you may want to rethink hanging out with him
My "Week Of Not Checking Into OK Cupid So I Don't Hook Up With Another Fat Chick" lasted four hours. On the plus side, she was the smallest one yet.
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
Change the recording on your voicemail. He found your number and my ass print on the car hood.
I don't understand why your family and sex lives should EVER overlap.
Just face planted the stairs. Apparently Santa brought an extra step while I was at the bar... Fucking dick
I took your mattress from your bed. Don't ask questions. Love you. See ya later.
When in doubt, it's too much cheese
He is obviously into the really short sex we have.
you came home and ate 12 bananas. you really didnt think mom would know you were high?
I went up to u at the bar, you grabbed my face and said, "hey you're Juan right?"
Randomize
