and the officer said have you been drinking
and i said NOO SIR.
and he said, I am a woman.
it sounds like her vocal chords are covered in pudding and rocks. come get me.
TBS has betrayed me by telling me tyler perry is funny
a chick just tried to cover her fart by sneezing. it didn't work
just took a pee in my own yard...decided i had to poo..only got a dingle berry....wiped it away with my finger..help me...my mom AND dad are home.
He's very warm and cuddly, that's my favorite thing about him. Besides his Porche. And his hot brother.
My male hookup buddy is gonna meet my female hookup buddy, let the awkward hookup games begin!
Okay, lets just agree to keep all cutlery related activities to a minimum.
Happiness was finding the hidden Gatorade in the fridge
He said to use 30 racks as chairs and then drink til we fall thru the box
I did my walk of shame through a safeway at 8am to get YOUR hangover bagels. You're welcome asshole
I'm at my friends house alone, she's at spin class so I'm wearing her engagement ring and eating buffalo wings. It's 9:30am. Happy Valentine's Day.
People trash cargo shorts, but I'm like, sorry I had room for beers and you didn't.
Found her grinding on my boss with her tongue down her throat last night. Guess who just got promoted!
I got dominos and had to stop whilst eating and take a moment of silence for how good it was
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