The midget we rented got so drunk last night he got carted off in an ambulance
Im in Brooklyn, he wasnt 23 or a musician pick me up
omh. i just found SHIT IN THE SHOWER! who the fuck does that? and why do i always seem to find it?
As soon as I saw the video camera and red light on, I started rolling my eyes when he would put it in me and telling him maybe his dick was too small cause I didn't feel anything...trust me that tape is going nowhere
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as they left, you opened the door, dropped your pants then yelled "don't leave, this is what you're missing"
New swimming pool is best sex toy ever. We are pioneering the doggie-style paddle.
I'm wearing a shirt that says "birthday girls #1 homo" ...what has my life come to?
I'm thinking about wearing a strap-on just to freak him out the next time he pulls my pants off.
Oh, honey. If you're seeing a girl just for the sex, never doubt that she knows and she's doing the same thing. We're not stupid, we're just craftier than you.
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Drunk logic "let's go outside in front of the bar to get sick"
He was an asshole the entire night and then tried to touch my dick in a Michaels craft store.
Sooooo, no second date?
I can't find the remote or the Doritos. Someone call 911. S.O.S. I sent this in Braille.
My mom found your leather pants in our guest room. She doesn't want to know why they are there, she just wants to know if you want them washed.
wow wtf man i was the friend bailing you out of jail with 500 cash and you didnt have the common courtesy of waking me up for class when i passed out drunk and naked in the bath tub
"I'm 22, I could die in a piano bar." -a sentence i actually just said to my boss
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