This morning when you woke up you looked like one of the Wii Bowling people. I think it was the eyebrows combined with the sambuca
Memo to the bitch sitting across from me at Swamp: no one thinks you're classy with your Louis Vuitton and your Burberry scarf when you're dragging on that cig like it was the last cock on earth and you needed cum for sustenance.
I just woke up in a puddle of boob sweat. Definitely time to consider a reduction.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
I researched the whole pregnancy breast feeding with piercings. I think you dont have to worry about the trifecta milk spraying thing.
She threw up in the hot tub how's your night
I smell like Captain Morgan and tears
We fucked then made friendship bracelets, his mother taught him right!
she just stared at nothing and then looked at me and goes, "that's a weird place to put the wall"
By the way, do you realize that you asked me how much you could get for your eggs last night. And once you learned the price said that you had plenty to share.
The nun costume is coming back hard and it still has glitter and the smell of Vegas on it.
Best. Text. Ever.
We go out, we get drunk, we watch Star Wars, we pass out. What's wrong with this tradition?
Did I just hear you ask Siri about the meaning of life?
He was referring to me as "Teenage Dream" the whole night
First dip in a brand new jar of Nutella, and my man’s dick are two things I will not fucking share.
Randomize
