In all seriousness though I just found out the dog pissed in my bed it'd be nice to crash somewhere other than my couch while my piss soaked bedding is in the washer
i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
it's circumsized.
I think this conversation is over.
Ricky Martin is gay. You owe me $10 from 3rd grade.
After giving the pizza guy directions you told him to look for the big stupid looking kid outside in purple
I just found a hunk of ham in my back jeans pocket from god knows when. We gotta stop going so ham.
My eyes feel like they're throwing up and I am the only human on campus
Seriously. Texted me 4 times and that didn't wake me up so he nicely called and left a voicemail saying he WOULD call me 8 times. So when he called back I answered.
It's two in the afternoon, I'm on my third glass of wine and I'm watching Lambchop on youtube. How do you think I feel right now?
I have poison ivy and a broken finger. Don't have a threesome in the woods.
We were fucking in the back of my truck and no joke a skunk came up and sprayed us. How am I supposed to explain this to my parents
I want to buy weed from this guy on Tinder but I'm not sure I should trust him...but it's free delivery
Well drunk me was looking out for sober me again, hid the beer and bought another case for me
Dude, A DAMN CHEESEBURGER HIT ME IN THE FACE!!! WTF was i suppoused to do!?.
Dear Douchebag, I would just like to formally issue this fuck you. You will be receiving a letter in the mail soon. With all of your stuff.
Randomize
