yeah worst sex in my life. plus i think her little brother was in the room.
he made me salute his american flag boxers before i took them off
is it appropriate to call someone “ a tasty piece of bitch?” This is time sensitive.
i woke facing the corner with my computer and i had googled "how to put out a fire" i am so scared to turn around
this kid woke up on our hotel floor and doesnt know how he got here
on my way back.. me and that kid will be great friends
You both ran and jumped into the tub yelling Jamaican bobsled team
sometimes when you're high at work you just have to say fuck it and eat the dog treats
We held a candle light vigil outside the jail hoping for her release, until we realized we were drunk in the jail parking lot.
Some fat latino guy has these 2 fat white moms making out with each other on the dance floor
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
When he couldn't get it up, he handed me a beer, put his clothes back on, and said "try again tomorrow."
I just referred to our excessive fireball consumption as a team building exercise and everyone in group text agreed.
We're not alcoholics, we're a god damn team.
Day two of not drinking, I think my cat is trying to eat me.
Psychosis secondary to sobriety???
Give me a few. Gonna ride the rollercoaster.
I still dont see how i drunkenly impressed your mom
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