so when she was in the shower, I took a pic of my dick with her phone and sent it to her brother saying, this just fucked your sister
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
I felt like a fire hydrant the vomit just kept coming out
Nope it's him. He's whispering to himself and buying asparagus.
They're here. One showed up as a slutty Crayola, and I think the other came as The Fat Friend.
2010 has been the year of the Eskimo brother. Let's see how many igloos we can shack in next year
Congratulations, I drank so much for your birthday that I'm shitting blood.
Some guy was coming onto me last night and in the middle of it all he said: 'It literally says this on my birth certificate: Francis Coburt: The Guy Who Can Pull Two Beers Outta His Pants Like Magic.'
I don't know if you've ever seen a group of 20 year olds reenact a rectal prolapse, but 'majestic' isn't really the word I'd use...
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Well, I currently have zero fuckboys and my vibrator just broke. A fresh start to May.
Are you serious?! She sent a pizza instead of showing up?!
She did indeed. Papa Johns. It helped because I was super hangry. That bitch is smart!
Idk why more people don't drink at work ... i mean, yeah, the cash might be off tonight, but my customer service is fucking phenomenal right now
is it bad that I'm more worried about having to take out my piercings than the fact that I might be having a kid
My mom purposely got me drunk so I can stay at her house bc "we don't spend enough time together." I blacked out anyway, so we didn't spend time together regardless.
Randomize
