Just got my rental car in Iowa...gas is under 2 dollars in des moines...this is not a real state
i nerd-gasmd. plain and simple.
i just compared eating a chick out to "gargling a cheeto"
Random fact of the day: cum is a really good eye makeup remover
My mom and I were trying to explain to my sister what an uncircumcised penis looks like. We had some minor disagreements.
We hooked up with his aunt passed out next to us. It was just like old times.
quit making up holidays to get me to go drinking with you
Whoever decided it was a good idea to sell 40's at a bar with life-sized jenga deserves a nobel prize.
He threw up in a cup in the limo and when he got out the bouncer told him he couldn't bring drinks in so he gave the glass to that dumb girl we brought with us from c street.
I know, she tried to drink it
We broke up in downtown Nashville with drunken, blow up penis waving bachelorette parties walking by. For some reason I can see this ending up as a country music video.
I've realized that I'm going to have to wake and bake every morning to make it through the summer without killing someone. This is ridiculous.
All three of my roommates have their significant others over. We're all hanging out in the living room. It's like I'm the trifecta of third-wheeling
This bird just went for my eyes. Does he think I'm dead???
I'm listening to Michael Jackson while drinking vodka, alone. Honestly, l wish I could Moonwalk my way back to when I knew wtf was going on in my life.
Well. Another one of my exes came out of the closet.
Randomize
