Everytime she opens her mouth it's like a fucking terrorist attack on my life.
In my 8 am class there was a pack of birth control on the board with a note saying, "Some dude somewhere is unhappy."
So basically our separate showers turned into one shower, to save water, which turned into a bath, which turned into sex on the bed, which turned into drinking beer in the bed, and thats what the stain is from... bud light. sorry.
There's nothing I can say to make me pepper spraying you any better
He came out in cowboy boots and underpants holding a beer while he hugged my mom. I love Montana.
Taking a semester off always leads to bad things like having a baby or getting married
Makers Mark. Chicken nuggets in a blender. Smart
He came up to me looked at my tits said they were huge, rated them a 7 and then asked if girls really do masterbate. To make it better, he put his hand up to my face and said his penis is longer than my face...
I'm shaved like a Brazilian hooker right now.
I have the flu.
I don't give a shit
Your birthday is now over. Your day in the spotlight has dimmed and now you're as special as everyone else. The world goes back to revolving around me. Good night.
I'm suffering a hangover from deep within. I feel like the half of the parts of my body are permanently laced with alcoholic substances
Haven't sucked a dick since mid December. In crisis mode.
An "unreasonable amount of ejaculate" isn't a reason to be angry at me.
If I don't singlehandedly make your gf realize she needs to straighten the fuck up or ruin your relationship before I leave I have failed you as a friend.
wtf guys I thought we agreed on no more knives. So much for not destroying the house
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