He keeps apologizing for not being able to get hard when he's drunk. We havent even left the club yet.
under NO circumstances is it acceptable to fist pump to taylor swift
Umm. Any where really. Alcohol and boobs. Those are the requirements.
Escaped ambulance. Meet me at your apartment.
she said I was laying next to a garbage can in the subway doing key bumps and screaming "its my fucking birthday" repeatedly
I'm crossing my legs while pooping. Taking a shit has never looked so proper.
six ambien and a bong later...he was calling me blueberry princess who need rescuing from the evil oven, and he was sir Eatsalot.
I'm just going to text him the word sex repeatedly until he comes over.
Did it work?
Duh, it only took 27 texts and 15 minutes and he was at my front door.
I didn't know he had a girlfriend until after we had sex when he said, "Man I really gotta stop cheating on my girlfriend."
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
I can insert a female catheter, but I cannot grill a cheese.
We were 6 minutes into the movie before we realized the whole movie was spoken in Italian. That level of stupidly-ripped
You told him he looked like Jesus and that you wanted to fuck his face, I'd say your blind date went well
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
The people at Perkins seem so judgemental. Big deal if i'm handcuffed to stripper in a star-n-stripes bikini. We still gotta eat.
Randomize
