you know you should just kill yourself when you are helping your 16 year-old sister get ready for a date and you're going out to dinner with you parents..
it's kind of nice to have a picture of me making out with someone and actually know who it is for once
My poo smells like dog food. That's how I know it was a good night.
The cops said we could pay $250 or spend the night in jail and get 2 free meals. I might pee in mail-boxes more often
Have to get circumcised. Doctor goes, "On the bright side, you can tell people your dick is too wide."
You just made it sound like a children's toy! It's a functioning body organ, my vagina is not a gameboy!!!
I'm convinced my penis is the only thing holding this relationship together.
Just had the best idea EVER: start a mead brewing/dispensery business! WE CAN BREW IT IN MY GIANT CLOSET, AND NEVER BE SOBER AGAIN.
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
Nothing says "I Love you" like my dick in a pizza box
There's some random guy here dryhumping my kitchen door. If he is a friend of yours, please come and retrieve him.
COKE WAS NOT ON THE ITINERARY FOR TONIGHT.
Feel weird saying this on Facebook, but a dildo collecting demigod sounds like somebody I'd at least hang with for a minute.
We're not ready for visitors right now.
wtf? who's we?
The Royal We: Me, My Vag, and I.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
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