i want two things in life...emily to stop talking and a block of cheese.
When I saw him standing at full height, I realized exactly how much his body structure reminds me of his penis.
there were more penises there than on chat roulette
Dear vodka that I hid in a water bottle in the backseat of Blairs car, I'm sorry that she gave you away to a man on side of the road with an over heated engine. I'm sure the car doesn't appreciate you as much as I would have.
He gets creativity points for the hot sauce. But it may be awhile until my nipples forgive him
I show up hung over with mcdonalds. Why wouldn't he have sex with me? It's a fucking leap year...
I am stoned and listening to the Olympics music I downloaded on Saturday. Best 6 dollars I have ever spent.
if i can hear my landlord's phone ring you think be can hear my vibrator?
Right now I'm in a club where they are passing out glow in the dark dildos by the dozen. I don't think my life will ever get weirder than it is at this moment.
Dude you were sitting in front of me eating uncooked bow tie pasta...
The problem I'm having with looking for jobs while drunk is reading is really hard
Put a Santa hat on my junk. He's wants to be festive too.
I said I hate kids.This dude said he will sell his children to go on a date with me.
i am craving dick and cupcakes
He literally just laid flat on top of me motionless at one point. It felt less like foreplay and more like he was trying to use me as a flotation device. 0/10
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