I can't open my eyes
Lol why not?
Because I have fat ankles and I'm drunk
I envy your ability to put any word in front o the word beer and make drinking before 5 sound like a socially sanctioned event.
Just gave my manager part of my viccodin stash-my job is basically secured forever.
there are chunks of pepperoni under the sheets. can you be here in 10? breakfast in bed?
he went up stairs with nothing on but calvin klein's and an eskimo hat, said hi to her dad, got a doughnut, and left like it was an everyday thing
apparently "preggers as fuck" isn't an appropriate way to describe someone...
Just had a horrible realization. I've fucked a guy with a webbed foot AND a guy with a third nipple.
Some guy just showed up at my door to return my bikini top. EXPLAIN NOW
Just at the gym drinking. We call it treadmillcolada
Well you were hungry, by then you cried and called yourself a basic bitch for eating crackers
pls come tAke this super bath no romo it's just. so nice.
They pay me enough to pretend to be either helpful, or heterosexual. If they want both I need one hell of a raise.
Oh, I also stabbed a guy Friday and he still asked me out
I'm going to make a stack of pancakes and fuck it. Right now.
Dude you were so wasted you thought a fake electric candle was real and tried to light your cig with it. Multiple times.
Randomize
