apparently the 911 operator took drunk dialing waaayy too seriously
You were sitting at the bus stop holding hands with some Polish girl you just met, who was just as drunk as you were, and you kept trying to light your Kit Kat and smoke it.
hearing that almost makes me feel good about peeing on the coffee table
she told me I give head better than a lesbian. I know it's a great compliment but it kind of threw me off.
I went out as a member of the house of Gryfindor and came home as Snooki
I figure hes like disneyworld. You know youre only going once or twice in life. Might as well have fun and ride the rides
I seriously don't understand how you keep getting laid.
Because I'm like the spider of false hope. I spin elaborate tales and snare them in my web of utter disappointment. They soon realize their mistake, but by then it's too late.
It's George Washington's Birthday. Can you not put on some red white and blue and get really drunk for the original Merican??
Any residual attraction has just been ruthlessly murdered by that mustache.
Being engaged is strange. I looked at my cock this morning and said, "we did alright these last 32 years, right?"
Didn't want to waste the cheese dust from the white cheddar popcorn, so I gave him a handjob, followed by the most delicious blowjob ever. Win-win.
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
My liver is whispering mean things about me to my kidneys. It's a fucking miracle I'm not hungover. Lol
I can't hookup with a guy in my car because it smells like Taco Bell..
What the fuck was I thinking eating an entire tub of potato salad on acid. My stomach today bro
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