I just saw what sperm look like swimming around. I'm not happy with what you've put in my stomach.
he said "cool" when i took off my bra and proceeded to stare wideeyed at them the ENTIRE time. it was like sleeping with the kid i showed my boobs to for the first time in 6th grade.
She soaked the fruit in vodka for ten minutes and then mixed it with normal fruit and sherbert icecream. It was called "lottery fruit".
I couldnt bring myself to steal alcohol from my dead grandma
I tried to take a photo for proof but couldn't hold my penis, camera, and measuring tape all at the same time.
What a great world we live in when USPS can tell you that your drugs have been delivered.
Hahaha it was a great moment in my life. This must be what post child birth feels like, given you don't get a combined asshole/ vagina
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
I drink to make the karaoke go away.
I like to play this game where I try to reach orgasm before my bathtub overflows....lost tonight.
We're going to work out tomorrow I guess but it usually consists of doing weights for 10 minutes, then saying fuck cardio and going to Taco Tuesday
New Mean Girls drinking game: Everytime someone says Africa or Math, chug.
I puked on his mom. Not my proudest moment
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
I only gave you one rule about using the beach house: don’t get cum on anything!
You’ve seen my tits! You had to know that rule was unrealistic! Does it help that he was really cute?
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