So then the officer asked you how you were getting home and you told him "very carefully"
I wanna get FUCKED up and fail the piss test at my eval so they send me to detox and give me suboxone... Is that bad?
I am going to get arrested. I am yelling fuck repeatedly, wearing a Bird jersey and polka dot pants while pounding wine. Amazing mug shot to follow.
Are you still at the party or did I leave?
I cant believe Lindsay Lohan feels like this every day
he kept his composure pretty well until he puked on the cop car
I am too drunk to make real decisions. I had pop rocks all over my ass earlier. This is not a joke.
Thats why you always identify the subtext of a blowjob before you accept it.
There was a staple in my grits at waffle house last night. My knees are bruised as hell. And I puked pink all over my bathroom. Gooood night.
It was disgusting, and I would've rather licked the condensation off the windows instead, but I figured that's wasn't very ladylike
My mom just made me promise her that i'll care about the next guy I sleep with
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
alright well you definitely hurt his feelings though you told him he looked like he was going to an Amish community prayer meeting..
I really wanted you to make me eggs this afternoon. I even wrote it on my hand to remind myself.
Haha word. Sure I can do that. Help me find which bar has my pants and you'll get free tacos all week
Randomize
