So I had a Liz Lemon moment today....went to Chipotle to get my "cheer me up" burrito bowl for the 4th time this week and the chipotle guy sighed and said always the same huh?
i wish i could tell you the night didnt begin with me drinking alone
Ok but if you die you have to get "I should've listened to Mike" carved into your tombstone
there's a photo set of like seven dicks covered in glitter....i don't know what to do
My mom just covered me while I peed in the street. I love her. i also love parents weekend.
Dude, we tried to feed you but you just started sobbing and ran away
A little, yeah. We were stealing firewood from the neighbors (drunk), and figured it would be 10 times harder to be angry with us if we got caught if we were naked, and 100% more hilarious.
I didn't know. I guess I really haven't had that much time for drinking lately. I mean, outside drinking at home/work.
My buddy just got straight up kicked out of the bar on my bday for water boarding people with beer and bar towels
Hey sorry about last night. can I come pick up my tooth?
I'm just blindly tossing my dick into whatever comes my way.
I think he's only dating me for my ass...
Sorry your girlfriend got you a valentines present and you forgot to get her one.
How long will your dick be dry?
I broke my wrist trying to give him a blow job...
And this is why we can’t have nice things
i gave head in a cab last night. get on my level.
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