Tell her she can't have a vagina
people and things i regret. that's what i want to do tonight.
I proposed and she said yes man.
You realize the irony of surrendering on independence day, right?
We had literally Just finished having sex when he handed me a plan B and said he lied about wearing a condom.
He scored a 8.5/10 on that girls powerpoint. Of course I slept with him
While you were in the ER we decided to tailgate in the parking lot until security told us that's not allowed.
I feel a bullet train of disappointment headed in your direction.
IT'S A FUCKING GIANT POKEBALL MAD OUT OF TINY ROSES
And i'll likely end up sleeping in a bush wrapped up in my poncho
Yeah to go race car driving with a 54 yr old gastroenterologist. I really wish you'd come to have that drink with me Wednesday
Don't do shots out of Tostitos scoops.
I bought more beer than I could carry and managed to fit it all in the fridge. It's an alcoholicmas miracle.
I'm twenty nine years old, now is not the time to start trying new drugs. I need a hedge fund...not another drug-induced hangover.
did i just pee glitter
i told him the only way i'd fuck him was if he saved me during the zombie apocolypse and took me to a tastefully decorated yet impenetrable hideout.
Randomize
