my mom just walked in on me furiously masturbating while reading twilight. needless to say, im officially out of the closet.
advice for life: when the cop takes your tallboy, don't ask for your coozy back
Just break the ice by asking who had to take plan b this past semester
just found out I caught the bouquet at the wedding. I win for being the drunkest yet most functional bridesmaid.
Our neighbors just passed us a blunt from their deck, and are hooking us up.
I just baked them cookies. We're friends now.
And dildos are 35% off. So. Ya know. Savings.
I'm watching my cat lick a used condom wrapper on my nightstand and I'm too hungover to move and do anything about it. Tequila Tuesdays can not be a thing.
A drank guy in the ER just sang Trouble to me and when he sang 'Lying on the cold hard ground' he threw himself onto the ground and landed on the wrist he'd just broken. Thirsty Thursday is weird already and it's not even 5.
drunk brunch me or lose me forever
My uterus is doing all sorts of karate moves to break free of my body.
He broke his arm in a fistfight with the bouncer. it was neat.
i think it’s okay to see him. you just can’t wind up with his penis in your mouth again
Unless your name is actually "Ticfj" like my phone says, I have no idea who you are...
On a scale of one to 10 how Risky is it to sleep with a married man (all morals set aside)
So apparently I fell asleep sitting on the toilet last night while my drunk girlfriend sang to me.
Randomize
