you know your drunk when 7 soccer players cant catch up to a tranny in high heels who just stole your wallet
Too much gin, very little bucket
I know I said I was done dating 22 year olds but it's not my fault all the guys my age gave up on life and got fat
And leave it to John to ask the cabby to make a Porno in his cab
Did you ever stop and think that god invented whiskey dick specifically for me
I know your texting costs money, but I'll pay for it if you consider this. Oversized frozen jello shots. I'll buy everything needed if you approve. Let me know
Im so tired of dysfunctional exs fucking up my relationships with future dysfunctional exs
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
It's 4am & this guy is asleep with his junk still inside me..really rethinking my life
Dude, fuck these noisy kids, fuck all this light, and fuck you for getting to sleep while I have to be productive and hungover.
They think I fractured my spine while doing your cousin on concrete.
I'll give you another blowjob if you bring me some cake.
So he apologized for peeing on my floor.. then we fucked all night.
Real classy
I wasnt 2 drunk i sobered up around the time we were shooting the fire extinguishers
In other news there's 12 shirtless Korean dudes all trying to jump on a tiny little trampoline so that's entertaining
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