so i know my style isnt the best ever but u should have told me i was wearing two different shoes
I wish costco sold astroglide.
i wish my brain was less awake, and didn't try and picture what you were talking about.
He told me I couldn't drink an unopened bottle of water he had in his room because that was his emergency bong water
Look, all I'm sayin is $2 boilermakers and an expense account are probably a bad mix…
I think I have vodka in my lungs
well, duh, but it's like you don't even want to see me masturbate with a wine bottle.
You called my nipples compassionate. What does that even mean?
"I'm gonna wax that ass" was the successful pick up line used on me last night. Clearly I had a few too many cause it worked..
Last night I said "I'm so glad you broke up with your lesbian soccer mom girlfriend" I don't remember how he reacted I just remember trying to pee in the woods
I cried over the lack of milkshakes I've consumed in the last month
Do not try to steal a picnic table from a park, all you will end up with are sore arms and broken dreams.
I found a loose wire in my thermostat. Couldn't find the pliers, so I used a nipple clamp to fix it.
I got married tonight..
I'd like to first of all congratulate you on your marriage. Secondly, probably one of the best drunk texts I've ever received. Unless you were sober, then that text was awkward.
Invitations to sext will not be acknowledged until 10 a.m. EST. Thank you for your cooperation. We apologize for any inconvenience.
How did I get home last night?
We put your keys on a lanyard that asked anyone that found you to bring you home. A nice man in a cape, green shorts and a mesh shirt dropped you off this morning.
Oh. Yeah. Riiiggghhht
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