I puked while I was brushing my teeth this morning and had to get a new tbrush
Ew, did you brush them again?
Yeah but i puked on the new one and decided to give up...failure
Hit a parked car with a "property of Jesus Christ" bumper sticker. Wrote out five hail mary's and left it on the windshield.
The bouncer asked you what your sign was and u replied "syracuse"
My flask crushed my baggie full of aderall in my backpack, why can't my demons just live together in peace
She just sat there, all alone, with a bottle of booze. And the dog. He even looked like he didn't wanna be there with her.
Malt liquor mondays...better in theory.
i woke up soaking wet with shard of glass imbedded in my flesh dangerously close to my dick what happend?!!
BEER BOTTLE SWORD FIGHTHING!!
We exchanged snapchat usernames instead of numbers. Is that what America has come to?
Last night you texted me "tqiirkykbg doe freedom always"... why?
Let's try finding a bar where there aren't people who want to hang me from a tree by my nutsack
Buying a new bed right now. My options are limited because I need to be able to be tied to it.
He called me dainty, then fucked me like the Viking God he is.
i now know why i keep getting pictures of poop. apparently someone put my number in a girls bathroom saying i am a poop lover.
you text any of them back? this is probably the most women you'll ever have texting you in your life. don't squander a good thing
At least your wife cheated on you. Women will feel bad for you. In a month there will boy bands that are jealous of your dick
She never came back from the bathroom so I went to look for her... I was in my room and heard this rustling. And she was in my closet petting ties.
Randomize
