I don't think I can fit "I'm sorry for ruining Christmas" on one cake. Better make two.
Fell off bed. Face first. 10 stitches. huge scar on forehead. totally going to start telling ppl my parents died fighting Voldemort.
you told the cab driver to stop being such a pussy because he wouldn't let you shotgun a beer in the backseat
What are you doing? Did I punch you in the face last night?
It's was about average. But he had a tat on his thigh that said "pull-out n' rollout" so I won't have to worry about a round two request.
at least I have the sex noises of his roommate to entertain me while I wait for him to wake up
I kinda feel like I was hit by a Prius. Just glad it's not bus status.
I'd tell u there's strippers to make you get here faster, but that would be a blatant lie... There's strippers here.
Your resume just got faxed, I also modified it a bit and sent it to strip clubs...expect weird phone calls...
I honestly didn't think living in Canada would change me, until I found myself watching hockey porn
I feel like we'd have a lot of fun being drunk at a dog show.
What was the name of that sleazy asshole I'm not allowed to sleep with?
Remember, I smoked so you wouldn't have to. I'm like the Jesus of Marijuana.
just played fuck the dealer and thunderstruck with my physics ta. he is the third ta that i have drank with this semester, i think i'm getting good at college
Would you say that skipping class and sitting alone in my room singing One Direction to myself and sobbing is an acceptable way to deal with the break-up
Randomize
