sooooo how many boyfriends is too many?
genius idea. im gonna paint my penis green like the serpent of sex
i popped this huge zit on her back while she was blowing me. it was like a disgusting metaphor for what happened 30 seconds later.
I just snorted a line of adderall through a rolled up business card for the Michigan Law Admissions Office.... Tell me I'm not motivated
The whiskey is fighting the tequila on who wants to be the one who end my night first.
I specifically found a fat girl to lift me up on her shoulders.\n\nIt was glorious.
Is it appropriate to put "Mommy and Daddys shitfaced-ness that led to Aubrey" on a birth announcement?
Well you two just had a kid in the middle of college, I dont think anyone will notice.
Thanks bro
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I just took the kind of shit that makes your eyes well up with tears as you feel it moving inside of you... So cleansing.
As your only female friend, I feel the need to inform you that texts like these are why she dumped you.
I am sleeping in the bathtub because my bed is too soft.
So yeah he had good weed?
Don't forget Giraffe in your car! If we show up in the same outfit without animal heads we're just gonna look weird.
Seriously, though. As long as it's attached to you and is not a vagina, I will not be disappointed.
This is even better than the wine from my laundry basket
I was so close to going to get my nipples pierced with my mom today
he was the first penis i touched… i have to go to his shitty bands first gig, i mean come on now
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