Came home to a chalk baord that read:" Think like a rapist." Can't say I'm surpirsed.
So I've come to the conclusion that I would cry if I had an ugly baby.
They're giving me a hotel, and this chick doesn't have a place to stay for the night... I swear this is how real life Porno starts.
There are GROWN MEN with fake HP wands flinging curses at me in Walmart.
That's funny. Are they weird looking???
OF COURSE THEY ARE WEIRD LOOKING, THEY ARE STALKING ME IN WALMART. WITH. FAKE. WANDS.
I'm way too horny to be at work right now. I think it might be legally irresponsible to leave me alone with cucumbers.
omg theres cum all over the american flag and now its up in front of his house.
How does "I'm not drinking tonight" turn into body shots?
we were running to make last call and you stopped me and said very seriously "if i fall, go on without me. just make sure theres a beer in my hand when you go"
When we picked him up this morning the cop said that if they actually arrested every drunk American who pissed on cathedral doors, Spain wouldn't have any room for real prisoners.
I told him he was, quote: "A big cuddly bear" and he needed to get into my bed or I would set his Golden Retriever free.
You kept asking her which dick pills worked the best. She's a grandmother.
Just go to your happy place. Mine is with Jake Gyllenhaal & schnapps
I lost my voice. So I'm going to pretend I'm Ariel with legs today.
For future reference, when he drunkenly screams "YOUR MOTHER SUCKS COCKS IN HELL," he means that he's about to throw up. Invest in a bucket.
You are, as of last night, the self declared king of pooping. Long may you reign.
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