We should go out drinking together soon
I'm still not going to have sex with you
Kanye's agent is the only person whose job sucks worse than mine.
you called me at 4 am to tell me you found the cracker barrel location where we'll have lunch next week
i thought to myself 'what a productive day'. then i realized all ive done is one load of laundry and shaved my balls.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
what date should I let him know how fucked up I am?
We glued Jenga blocks together, called it "magic blocks" and sold it to the stoners for $50 and a bottle of Henny
That feels better than graduating college or that time I tried to ride a llama. Did you know they really spit?
I'm drunk in a place called Lick-A-Chick. PS. It's not a lesbian hot spot, they sell chicken.
Got dumped. Now accepting nominations for my extra Dave Mathews ticket. No xboyfriends. Must cast final votes by Monday. Good luck everyone
I just found out two girls I dated met each other, bonded over how much they hate me, started dating and are gonna get married soon.
I've got enough liquor to do one of two things on Friday: 1.) Drink myself into a coma or 2.) lay in bed a drunk and cry lonely mess. Happy Valentines Day.
I know I swore I wouldn't go home with him, but he whispered that he had taquitos and you know how much drunk me loves taquitos.
Let's not share with anyone else in the apartment of how we simultaneously peed in the kitchen sink last night.....
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
Randomize
