Remeber, hes got nothing better to offer you than drunk words and hairy balls.
Do you know how hard it is to conceal the fact that you puked all over the bed that someone is sleeping in?
On my way home I stopped at target and bought beer and galoshes. I am a planner.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Yes I hit her with my car. Yes I gave her a ride home. And yes she gave me her number. What's the problem?
You are like the only girl I know who tells their booty call to go find another girl just cause you want more sleep.
I feel like there should be a database and you screen your boyfriend's scrotum and all the fucked up shit they've done goes on file.
Woke up this morning with a darth vader helmet and a bath robe on with my toenails shitly painted
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I'm currently trying to figure out a way to fill the bathtub up with mashed potatoes so when he comes over he'll know what's about to hit him..
This morning, I found 5 naked people in Steve's bed with post sex hair, and Steve fully clothed sleeping on the ground.
I was very impressed with his ability to carry on a conversation with his friends sitting in the front seat with his hand in my pants, getting a hand job, stoned, with a cigarette in his mouth. I think he's a keeper.
We're starting to light shit on fire, bring a metal bucket. Be prepared, Jimmy's off his meds.
See I am maturing. I just got in from my DRIVE of shame......
Vulcans are sexy now IT HAS BEEN WAY TOO LONG SINCE I'VE GOTTEN LAID
Randomize
