I don't know where I am but the food in the fridge is awesome.
Eating meat and looking at porn while roommate is at church for Ash Wednesday. Win.
new excercise plan: walk a mile get a bj then walk a mile home
my dad just said 'either you're lying about your plans tonight or you kids are really lame nowadays'. maybe we should nix the singles saturday slumber party and go to a bar.
You texted the wrong number but that's probably the best call you'll ever make.
It's like there's a party and my mouth and everyone's throwing up
and he should realize what an amazing ex i am for encouraging my best friend to hook up with him
How do you say "I'm sorry I beat you up while cumming" in German?
yeah, i'm not. but i'm ready for free bjs. it's just hard to find women who will give me a beej while i'm sobbing uncontrollably
a guy just walked up to us....drank the rest of my beer....and said sorry for my loss before walking away.
Normally I would go for him, but there's just way too much vodka under the bridge for that
I just looked at a girl and was like what disease does she have? And then my mind caught up ohhh shes pregnant.
I just woke up from quarter beer tuesdays wearing 3 pairs of underwear, none of which are the ones I left wearing...2 Around my waist and one around my shoulder in an attempt at a bra. At least drunk me tries to be decent?
She has also never texted me first which I think might be a tell-tale sign she wants me to die alone.
I have 35 pounds of pennies. Need any?
Drinking is such a hassle. I wish I could just press a button and be drunk.
Randomize
