Do you like marathons because that's how long I plan on fucking you.
why do i have 22 missed calls from someone who is literally saved in my phone as bumrape star??
Your brother just informed me that half a mouthful is a unit of measurement. I love talking to members of your family.
Random girl at this party just gave me a lap dance in a la-Z-boy. Night significantly improved.
I'm still tasting pancake mix. I think this may actually be a serious medical problem...
I keep confusing the name of her and her dog. Both are appropriate.
sex in a tree stand. check.
you lucky bastard
I've found myself wondering why I WASN'T naked before, but I generally always know why I am naked. Except now. WHY THE FUCK ARE WE ALL NAKED
I just had my first lesbian experience. Out of spite.
it was just another one of those moments where you unfriendzone a friend you assumed to be gay
I threw up in my room. And I cleaned it up with a spatula.
The laundromat is nothing like In the pornos
That's how pantless uber rides happen
I'd still fuck that
You'd fuck a dead moose
Quite possible
Apparently I’m a terrible influence when alcohol is involved
Randomize
