WTF. you left me with no condoms and you ate all my mac and cheese. scumbag.
Come home. Im drunk and cutting my own hair. This is bad, i need you.
I slept with some guy because he drew a dinosaur on my arm
So tasty. Tasty like a vagina with ninjas in it
What was she thinking? I'm not in the business of charity fucks anymore.
Yeah sorry about that. I got pulled into the Russian student society's end of term party. There was too much vodka and eurodance to come help you pack.
Moral of the story: always keep condoms in your bra
THIS IS NOT A DECISION I MADE AT ONE IN THE MORNING IM JUST GETTING AROUND TO TELLING YOU ABOUT IT NOW
It's hard to hold down the snapchat button for video while thrusting. Sorry if the cinematography wasn't Oscar-worthy.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
put something nutritious in your body. AND NOT JUST THAT JOINT.
You know the sex was good when he had to ask which way was north before he left.
IM HUNGOVER AT MOTHERS DAY BRUNCH AND A NUN FROM CHURCH JOINED US
You used his ass cheeks to demonstrate how to play the bongos and he still called you the next day. That's true love.
Is 6 weeks really a benchmark now?
Ask me in 6 more weeks, when they're in a bisexual polycule.
Randomize
