dude wtf did we explode in my microwave last night?
idk but i think it had a face
I woke up in a strange girl's bed and rifled through her mail to get her name.
Kelly went into her room with Dave, but is moaning Tommy...
his ringtone is the jonas brothers. get me the fuck out of here NOW.
I woke up with a flask of whiskey and a mason jar full of sausage in my tux jacket. south georgia is where i belong
blah blah blah they called me an alcoholic because I threw my beer at a Jesus freak. it was for the best
This old guy just saw me toking on my bubbler before I go to the dentist. He gave me the nod.
His words said "save me", but his penis said "I'll take my chances"
No more co-pays for contraceptives. Whoever says Obama is a bad guy has clearly never had a pregnancy scare.
You're always so generous when it comes to your dick.
You remember the guy they called Meat in high school? Well, let's just say my vagina remembers him now.
The guys are trying to figure out my orientation....think theyve settled on "drunksexual"
I DESERVE A BEADED TATTOOED MAN I'VE WANTED ONE FOR SO LONG
BEARDED TATTOOED MEN ARE PEOPLE AND NOT THINGS TO BE GIVEN FREELY
this is a PSA to never have sex in a bed from ikea
He literally asked permission to hit on me
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