hey, can i borrow that thing you never use?
what?
your penis
Everytime I think about NYE, my gag reflex kicks in.
I don't believe these are real court rooms. They look absolutely nothing like law and order.
He threw me a bud light and when I opened it he smacked it out of my hand because "Dave giveth, and Dave taketh away". WTF
she's unstoppable after she starts doing shots and yelling NANNER
I just realized that at some point last night I told someone I would only be friends with 16% of them because the other 84% stole my people's land
U know when u get really drunk and u don't think anyone can see what your doing? If I'm that drunk the possibilities are endless
The great part about clubs is that you can fart everywhere and nobody knows! The bad part is I'm on e and i have nobody to fondle.
You think I'll get the "I used to stick it to your daughter" discount?
I ate mushroom chocolates & went to the botanical gardens for Christmas. HAPPY FUCKING HOLIDAYS
Dude, you GARGLED with bleu cheese last night!
Our friendship just got weirder. He snapchated me the porn he was watching.
I should never have to text my best friend asking if she eloped again last night.
Cover for me. Stopped at Chris’ for a quickie. Broke a high heel and there’s jizz all over my black dress. Fuck pornstars for making workday sex look easy
I do have a moral compass! I can’t help it if it only points at penises
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