My phone auto-corrects smirnoff to poisoned. I think it is trying to tell me something.
The guy drove to our house at 6am to sell us weed. Now that's customer service.
her tits were misleading. turns out she wasn't cool, smart and funny
while cleaning my room, i've found many wonderful things. one of these is the card you gave me for my eighteenth birthday. it's a christmas card that says "i want to stick it in your sponger"
i came home at 4 a.m. and made a dozen eggs and three lbs. of bacon. my mom woke up and the only thing she was pissed about was that i used the whole carton of eggs, but then she sat down and ate with me
My favorite part was walking in the bathroom, you fixing yourself in the mirror, calling your reflection a fag, then throwing a haymaker into the paper towel dispenser before going back out to the bar.
he was alternating between taking bites of butter and bagel. he said it was easier than finding a knife
A guy with no shirt on and a eyepatch just got out of the car beside me. After he slammed his door into mine. This is our hometown.
Thou shall not celebrate other people's birthdays as if they were thy own
I just want to braid flowers into his hair and steal all of his pills.
I said his dick tasted like a Hawaiian Sweet Roll. And then I yelled MAHALO.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
If you gave someone an std. would you say a muffin basket, a candy gram or an edible arrangement is a better choice to send them?
HOW THE FUCK IS IT POSSIBLE THAT THE JUNIOR HIGH STUDENT IS BETTER AT BEING AN ADULT THAN I AM!?!?
He's eating me out right now. That's how bad he is.
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