What the hell am I supposed to do with 50 gallons of mayo?
FOR A FUCKING 40?! A FUCKING 40?! YOU GAVE THE CAT AWAY FOR BEER?!
what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
like why cant he just admit that he still wants to fuck me even though im underage
adderall just fell out of my nose in class. guy next to me just nodded.
I feel like I ran a fucking marathon on my knees last night and there are bruises to prove it.
we left the music on while we were fucking. some kanye west song started playing and he started to cry
When you text me tomorrow to remind me to mail your parking pass, also remind me to make sure i did NOT pack my vibrator for this family vacation
WHO JUST REMOVED THAT SAME BOARD IN TWO MINUTES FLAT WITH NO INJURIES, SHOES, SOCKS, OR BRA?! THIS BITCH. CRACKIN A BEER FOR DA SHOWA. BITCHES AIN'T SHIT MOTHAFUCKA
we got her to the bathroom intime. all she could say was 'now my bladder is empty just like my soul'
Thing I actually said tonight: "I want to achieve Ultimate level drunkenness, I'm only at Champion"
There a special place in hell for drunk criers. A special FUCKING PLACE
Hey... Tell me if you remember differently, but nobody truly saw me naked, right?
Listen I just pulled white girl hair out of my underwear. This has got to stop. I was wearing pants all night.
The vodka gummy bears are so strong. If I die of alcohol poisoning, please tell my dad it was single malt scotch.
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