her teeth looked like a whores toenails, i was too horrified to
Dude stop singing. Your life is not an episode of fucking glee
he just kept repeating that I have nice areolas
She fucked me because she said I looked like Neil Patrick Harris
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
She nearly killed the mood when she said "Don't cum on my spray tan"
I'm not throwing down for dinner because I plan to have so much tequila I puke it up anyways. How much is a cab home?
An open call to all exes! i have a drunk text policy that requires i delete any and all texts after drink 3, however i have reason to believe i have done something stupid. if i have texted you that "I love you", "miss you" and/or conveyed any interest in getting back together with you in the last 24 hours i was belligerent and lying. That is all.
Hey to make you feel better about last night, I just shit my pants.
I totally left my shirt at your house. Also I think I high fived your cactus last night
telling her she was ovary-acting wasn't the greatest idea. doing it in a text so she could see your spelling was where you really went wrong, though.
He fell backwards into a full bathtub but didn't spill a single drop of the beer in his hand. What a pro.
If God invented something better than rough, drunken, lesbian sex he kept that shit to himself.
I got a 5 dollar bill, 1 condom, and no alcohol. I get payed on Thursday. Let's do this shit.
She's the queen of dating. She managed to get a date with a guy who saw her puke five times in two hours.
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