i think a pirate just stole the rest of our fucking beer. what an appropriate costume.
on a related note, did you know that the fire alarm in our apartment talks?
WHY. COME BACK. TRAPPED WITH ROOMMATE AND FALCON. SAVE ME. I HAVE HUMMUS.
Its like a zucchini between his legs. An orgasmic zucchini.
the boys love us. they call us "the stoner girl suite down the hall". not very inspired, but flattering nonetheless
Ed's in which sucks about a thousand cocks... But thats 1800 less than working with Alex so it's gonna be a good day
You were captain morganning on the laundry hamper and when I walked in you slingshotted a thong at me and started peeing. This all came back to me when I picked up some jeans to wear and they smelled like piss.
I just used my AAA membership to fix a strippers flat tire in return for a lapdance...does that make me a bad person?
I was just asked if I wanted to struggle snuggle. She's a keeper
My mouth is so dry that I'm about to put a straw in a jar of Vaseline and chug. This all addi diet definitely has its ups and downs.
He got me a cake that said " Congratulations on the dick "
On a scale of 1 to 10 how concerned should I be
I smell like playdoh, sex, and ruined lives. I love the weekend
I've seriously never been more thankful for marijuana and my resting bitchface.
I told you that we shouldn't have sex. You said "its okay I already saw you pee" apparently that was convincing
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