I just had someone call me out on a walk of shame via megaphone
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
The neighbors are smoking hash and doing Julia Child impressions...again.
theres so much semen in my vacuum cleaner...
from the looks of the bare footprints in the snow it looks like i was dancing in circles which explains the frozen puke
so the good news is that i can't possibly burn my eyelashes off tonight at the bbq.
I seriously told a stripper I would hold her hand when she goes to get ass implants.
Well, if he didn't want to get caught mid-gay experience by his girlfriend, he shouldn't have pushed so hard to do MDMA with me.
But for future reference, it might help your game if you don't tell the girl you're trying to get on your dick that she's "not the worst thing you've ever seen"
Me and the guy at the liquor store are on a first name basis, college is all about networking.
I did a hand stand against the glass wall at Ziggy's with no panties on and got 3 phone numbers. Thank God I shaved this morning...
btw im having a "its finally warm enough for a bbq in Toronto" party tonight. bring all the alcohol you have. and hamburger buns.
I got drunk and slept with the guy who looks like Jesus.
Typical.
He was like "why do you look so cute today?" and I said "I showered" and he laughed. I wasn't making a joke
Just made a secret hand shake with my sisters cat. Boredom at its finest.
Randomize
