Waitress cut us off at Chili's bar. New low
He corrected me on my grammar when I came. Fuck English majors.
My bosses just told me they met their wives on one night stands. I'm stoked.
I thought you'd have died of alcohol poisoning years ago! How'd you get my number?
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
we woke up to him feeding us cheetos at 3am. and by feeding i mean shoving them in our mouths and saying "i mean who doesn't like cheetos"
do you still have a key to my apartment? Without going into too much detail locked myself out naked on the patio, currently using a deck cushion to cover myself so kids walking home from school dont see me
it's like getting dryhumped by a chainsaw in the very best possible way
I threw up outside of a cab while waiting in a drive thru Mexican line while others who i don't know watched from their cars while they ate. Dinner and a show.
I figured it out! The supermoon explains how I managed to have sex with 3 dudes in 3 nights without leaving the apartment.
Pregnancy has ruined porn for me. I can't watch a hot chick get it on without being jealous of her perfectly waxed shit. I can't even see my shit.
He deserves a nobel prize for his dick-giving abilities. 10/10, would ride again.
Unintionally got shitfaced at study group this week. The waitress brought out a fishbowl of long Island iced tea. Challenge accepted.
He put his number in my phone as Steve handsome
you're the only girl i know who can be too sick to walk to the kitchen and still have enough game to receive multiple orgasms
Randomize
