I ride home in a shopping cart. Don't at like you aren't jealous.
Just passed a guy passed out on a riding lawn mower in his front yard.
Did I hear correctly when it sounded like he said "just don't let me throw up into your vaj?"
He was at the bottom of the stairs showering himself with the popcorn, then eating a few handfuls and running around.
She's echoing.. Her head must be in the toilet..
Give us adventure or give us cock. Or cocktails.
I must have some kind of deep rooted instinct that tells me when a boys virginity needs to be taken.
Some people dream of being astronauts others dream of having genitalia that shines like Edward Cullen in the sun
Seriously, I woke you up with tacos, I think I deserve the best girlfriend ever award
although steph and I had 3 bottles of wine by that point and watched an opera that featured a black dildo so anything was possible really
They said you went back in for 30 minutes and were walking with your arms out like an eagle soaring
I don't want the fire department to come out here twice in one weekend because of your god damn vape.
I'm about to do something based solely on the fact that a fortune cookie told me to. This may not end well.
And here I am, playing fetch with my cat at two in the morning.
It was just like the old times. We watched movies and shit. But not like old times-i fucked her hot brother when she was in the shower? Times are a'changin.
Randomize
