did you hook up austin?
No! he threw up in my bathroom, made me wake up and order him jimmy johns, beat my roommate with a macaroni and cheese box, and then passed out with her in her bed
she says it's "been amazing lately"
i think basically because i hate her so much i'm trying to break her in half
Question: does he have any sense of self image? He looks slightly like he crawled out of the Euphrates after living as a fish for 20 years
The sex was great until she started shouting, "Succeed!, Succeed!" Then it was like I was fucking a motivational speaker. Awkward.
I love girls that fake tan. Can you say p p p p p p p p pumpkin face
he didn't want to fuck because he was too busy skateboarding. what are we 12? I'm too old for this shit.
I forget the details, but I'm told that I drunkenly stalked him around floor yelling obscure Jewish laws at him
She gave 2 thumbs up when Nirvana came on the radio while blowing me in the bathroom
I don't think of it as I'm taking a pole dancing class...its more like I'm making myself recession proof
God I love incriminating evidence...wonder what the statue of limitations is on shitting on someones driveway
Yeah. Moral of the story: Don't mace yourself. It sucks dick.
Trying to Jedi mind trick myself into not throwing up. This is not the esophagus you are looking for.
Who knew that the guy I fucked on your front lawn during welcome week freshman year would turn out to be my husband
The Stanley Cup Final is killing me. I can't go to work drunk again.
I got drunk off three vodka cranberry’s and told him to “WWE raw dog me.” Fucking kill me.
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