as if moving home wasnt embarassing enough, mom picked up my laundry while i was gone. guess who needs to find a new hiding spot for his cum towel..this guy.
wait a second... your telling me you want me to take you to the bank at 10 on a tuesday so you can buy a blow up pool and fill it with beer?
yes... and buy you lunch
Police were closing down the bar due to gunfight and I was crying because they wouldn't let me finish putting temporary shamrock tats on my boobs
we're a generation of lazy underachieving stoners and uncreative overachieving automatons. you're golden
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
Terrible hangover + phoenix airport + pizza hut....I think I might have entered one of the levels of hell.
Just set up my first threesome: a rapper and a Marine. Pretty sure at least 80% of girls in America hate me right now.
URGENT INPUT I'm at a renesance fair after party and I'm 100% lined up to fuck their sword swallower OR their contortionist. Dont say both - which direction doth I roll?
xanax give me strength to not ask where we stand with booty calls
Molly was fun. I was in a captain planet onesie in Wal-Mart talking to everyone haha
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
So none of you told me my tits were popping out of my shirt for three hours?
We told you. Repeatedly. You said you made it look good.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
tbh i just wanted to fuck a guy with forearm tattoos but then he was so FORWARD about it
Tell me not to drink and get on ladders. I think I need the reminder.. I'm clumsy enough sober.
That's the second time the same cop pulled me over well a different girl was giving me road head
She's sent me the same nudes using the same gestures and positions... It's like she has a template for her sluty-ness
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