It's not a real calculator it's a math calculator
I finally had kitchen counter sex! i was so excited
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
She called me in the morning crying, but I was busy cleaning up bird guts, very hungover. It was a very surreal morning.
every Thursday i draw one of my friends names out of a hat to choose who i will drunkenly text all weekend
I just high fived you brother at the bar then immediately realized my hands smell like your vagina
Hes drunk and dancing naked. I can hear his dick smacking his legs from the next room.
Unfortunately, the Bilbo Baggins adventure side of me that likes to go on adventures appears to be losing to the side of me that likes to smoke weed in the bathtub and watch Workaholics.
I think pretend fucking a camel is a good thing to do downtown. They loved me.
I may have had sex with him and told him we wasn't worth my time then went home and made mashed potatoes
One lone grasshopper in the whataburger bathroom. Don't know how it got there. Scared the fuck out of me. Also puked over the side of the silverado fence. The horses looked disappointed. Animal magnetism is beautiful. You taught me well. I love you.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
Sorry I missed your birthday party. I caught a dick and rode it to O-Town
Looking back at our past texts, the minute it turned 2020 you were cleaning your house and I was dying of the cold. We were prophesying the Rona.
Randomize
