Dan is more possessive of me than a Michael Jackson is of McCully Caulkin
was*
True, R.I.P.
I'm going to write a book about John. It's going to be called big dreams, little dick
shes in my pool wearing only floaties on her arms ill have to raincheck watching march madness with you guys sorry
she definitely blew him on the riverbank, some lady floated past and said "have some pride honey", amazingly awkward
Woke up at 4:30am to my little brother shaking me. Apparently I fell asleep naked on my kitchen table waiting for the toaster to pop. 2 years of college completed and i still havent learned my drinking limit...
Is it wrong that I want to take the baby bump in her facebook pictures as "meal-ticket"?
By the third Id pass back i figured the bouncer had fucked one of us.
Is it too early to say this year has been a blur?
There is no such thing as a great breathalizer story. That isn't a thing that exists.
Just took a shower for the sole purpose of getting off without using my hands... I've reached a new level of summer-lazy.
2016 shall be rememered as the year I sharted while putting up the Christmas tree.
I love my cat. she doesnt judge when i stumble in my house drunk and pass out on my floor. my dog looks at me disappointed.
I'm 80% sure I have pink eye. This is my penance for being a homewrecker.
You can cuddle me. Word on the street is my ass is ridiculous.
I miss you and I miss your weed. Come home.
Randomize
