i just had 3 doubles lined up on top of a urinal, texting with one hand and my dick in the other. I an fucking awesome.
...i had to draw her a diagram of her own vagina. including a little arrow to the clitoris. shouldn't it be the other way around?!?
I woke up this morning with a hospital armband on containing all the information off my fake i.d. WTF did we do last night!?!?
i made it my goal to pee in the sink of every apartment we went to last night. i didnt use the toilet once
i have a surprise for you that looks bigger since I found my body hair trimmer
He just pushed one of his testicles up into his stomach and called himself lance armstrong. I can't make this shit up.
He bought me dinner. He gave me his jacket when I was cold. And then ate me out in the passenger sear of the car.
I would watch the shit out of some full house right now.
Dear Penis Owner...our records show that you are overdue for servicing...please contact our friendly associates to schedule a thoroughly satisfying experience today...operators are standing by...
Tell me why I woke up spooning a hamburger like it was a teddy bear.
There's an owl outside. I feel like he's hooing directly at me.
New life goal: fuck in the shopping cart
Happy 4 year arrest-aversary! I promise no thanksgiving has been as eventful as that one haha..
I knew I wanted to marry her when we got in that bar fight and she full-nelsoned a guy while I worked his kidneys. I knew then we had to breed
No I got a fucking mosquito bite on my vagina. Summer is off to a bumpy start.
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