Reach down the front of your pants and feel around for a while. When you find your balls, leave the library and meet me at the bar.
this weekend will be like the season finale to my life
Grown men dancing to Spice Girls and a girl wearing one shoe. I belong here
I don't remember. I remember laying in the trunk of a car. For hours.
I should probably file for unemployment. Sometime between last night and 4 AM I facebooked my manager the lyrics to hoe by ludacris. I'm just projecting ahead here.
I just need to actually convince myself that drunkenly having sex won't help me forget the last time I drunkenly had sex, it only makes the situation worse.
Want me to give your number to an army recruiter?
I don't know... do you want me to use your number to sell used gay porn on Craigslist?
I sense beginning a prank war would end badly for both of us.
woke up wearing a canadian flag with the starting forward of the hockey team. i feel oddly patriotic
So coach him. No guy wants to admit being unsure of something in bed. It's a man-law or something.
We all have to be good at something. Mine are writing, drinking, fucking and peer pressure.
I finally had to say "that's the hole where I pee" for him to understand.
Just a suggestion, don't apricot scrub your vagina.
I have a completly random but serious question. Can I make a paper mache mold of you ass and turn it into a pinata filled with airplane bottles of liquor? Its for my art class
Wait, like drink with real Phil. Or Phil, the cat that sometimes lived in your closet in Myrtle Beach?
I told my mom that I was just gonna go check the mail. It's been 19 hours, and I woke up in a hot tub covered in chocolate, with a text from her sayin "have fun sweetie"
Randomize
