i saved all my weight watcher points for this alcohol
atleast your grandma didn't give you her USED dildo just so you wouldn't have sex.
The old woman next to me on the el smells like cupcakes...but she doesn't taste like cupcakes
Any time you start making pro wrestling references before 10 PM I know that I'm breaking up a fight between you and some muscled up frat boy you call Hogan.
Just opened a beer with eyelash curlers... miss you.
He's almost as awesome as vicodin.
Can i tell him you said that? Cuz i know that means a lot coming from you
All I I know is that there's 2 new contacts in my phone. Drunk Backdoor and Gayass Handshake. Thanks, Jameson.
I might've decided it was a good idea to try to steal all of the pool balls at the pub... I apologize in advance that we now need to become regulars somewhere (anywhere) else.
The cab driver just showed us a POV shot of himself getting ridden by a chick he took with his flip phone. Confirmed not taken in cab. Gonna be a good night...
If you ever wanna get tagged teamed, army guys are pretty open to it. Write that down for future reference.
Lol, you asked the waitress to box up someone else's discarded food last night
Drunk yet?
Well I just did the worm on an empty dance floor while the bridesmaids were serving cake. You tell me.
I tried to take a cute nude but sneezed halfway through. I sent it anyway
If you're going to be single forever, you should try the quesalupas at Taco Bell.
Sitting beside a stoned cat on the kitchen floor eating cheesecake with my hands...just a struggle
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