we are all sexual creatures
yea maybe. but you're not. you're not getting any.
The sex toys I ordered are being shipped to my billing address instead of shipping address. Take a guess where they're on their way to right now - my parents' house. And the package has to be signed for so there's no way around it. Fuck.
We decided to smoke and then made crosses on our foreheads for ash wednesday
mom would be proud
i'm pretty sure i lost all sex appeal when he caught me peeing in his bushes
I found this letter on my leg this morning "dear sober self- we are one body now. It's weird but get used to it because it already happened" who the fuck is lionman?
Random Survey Question: If things start getting serious with this cop, do I have to stop doing coke?
you realize you insisted on them having a dance off to korean music to determine who takes you home?
i don't knpow whats goin on i think theyre sacrificeing me to th tequila gods
I should probably stop opening conversations with 'guess who's horny'.
5% want to drink juice and feel better, 95% just want to touch your butt
So last night took an interesting turn.. Never thought I'd say I had to pick up my glasses off the floor of a strip club
Remind me to tell you the story of the fuzzy condom
Note to Self: Never again eat a weed brownie by yourself two hours before a tornado warning in your exact location.
She always used to joke about becoming a stripper. WHO'S FUNNY NOW?!
If I don't wake up tomorrow you inherit my paycheck and can only spend it at cinnabon
Randomize
