You're my little dorito
Same, I didn't even get to be tarzan this summer
My history with restaurant waiters is severely limiting our dinner options.
her teeth should be alot whiter from all of those blowjobs she gives
You act like this is the first time i've fingered two 17 year olds at the same time
all i know is that each time we woke up we were at a different chinese restaurant. help.
When I woke up I had three missed calls from the name 'dream krystals'.... If I remember correctly she was the lady at the drive thru at Krystals and her name was Dream.. She wanted to come to the strip club with us... Do you remember?
BRILLIANT IDEA: In honor of summer olympics we need to start a synchronized drinking team.
I knew it would be a shit show so I just went ahead and took plan b before I even got there. How's that for responsible?
You called a girl at 4:30am to tell her "your pussy is my top priority" while simultaneously Urban Spooning late night cafes.
Also I'm so used to having sex with river guides that when he pulled out a condom I was actually surprised
Exactly man. Who needs doctors when you have vodka and hot knives.
I finally broke my dry spell. I did it. D-do-da-Dora.
Me-World Problems: do I have my boyfriend come to my birthday party in drag, or is that too weird for the first time meeting literally any of my friends
Pretty sure I just pissed straight whiskey...
Randomize
