Ask me how many people I've slept with. Because its changed since I last saw you.
I saw you 20 MINUTES AGO. You need to stop this.
no ping pong balls so we're playing beer pong with an ornament. you can't tell me that's not festive.
If i come home from court on friday.. i'm definitely doing something illegal.
One of my preschool students told me today that it's not pollution that makes the water in lakes unclean. It's the hobos. I was absolutely speechless. And just so proud.
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No I'm done finals, but I'm not coming home until these hickeys are gone.
Know what's awesome? Flying a mini helicopter while you shit.
Water skiing blazed is the most scary thing I've ever done.
I'm hiding in a cabinet. I'm going to stay here.
At least now when I say "never again" the likelihood is that it won't actually happen again the next weekend...that my friend is called growth
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I have an erection and I'm about to go through airport security.
gay sex achievement: unlocked
what
you told me you were going out for groceries!!
honestly my period and I are just as surprised to see each other every month
She's kind of holyer-than-thou, like god himself came down and said "please cock block your roommate at every opportunity, and if you think she's thinking of sex, tell her she's a whore"
Right now I'm laying face down on my carpet in my living room in the darkness sending work emails from my phone.
It's a glamorous life.
What use have I for dignity? It just get's in the way of the really fun stuff.
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