It's pouring out. I am cold, wet, and miserable.... Kind of reminds me of our sleepover last night.
I take no responsibility of who alcohol hooks up with using my body!
OK, the bar's closing. Do I go to home to my wife or my girlfriend?
We didn't need to cut her off. I'm pretty sure the lit candle she almost drank would have done it for us
Maybe he'll be famous someday and I can forget that anything embarrassing may have happened and just say that I fucked that famous guy.
I paid off a credit card today. And I was tested negative for HIV. AND I did laundry. Honestly, I'm most excited about the laundry.
So, settle a debate for my housemates. Have you measured your dick. And how long. Results Will not be disclosed
You were ¾ of the way through the first pitcher of margaritas then you turned to me and said "Wow I can barely taste the vodka!" And then…….
...Then...
Then I told you margaritas are made with tequila not vodka. You whipped the pitcher at the wall and ordered another one
I got his number because he was "impressed with how much I could handle"...I was chasing shots with Olive Garden breadsticks...
I think everyone, including the amish, know who you are after this weekend.
Sexting and pancakes... It's going to be hard to top that
That is priceless. You walk into her house, fuck her husband and demand Chinese food. Your an inspiration to us all.
I just spent 100$ at a sex shop to make myself feel better. And I signed you up to win 200$ so if you win, it's mine. And yes I'm serious.
Interesting fact: if you wanted to rename a guy Jeff, just tell him you only fuck Jeffs. Magically whatever name he was using is actually his middle name cause he doesn't like going by Jeff.
So i've noticed that drunk me erases sent messages to hide them from sober me, because drunk me knows that sober me will be PISSED at drunk me.
Randomize
