i fell asleep on him beating off on webcam last night, i'm such a great boyfriend.
So my mom just called me into her room and showed me a condom wrapper she found in my room. "Oh that's from when I was like 16." I don't think that was very comforting.
heey were did you guys go? last time i remember seeing you i was throwing up in the fountain
I told the girl in his bed not to bleed on his sheets like the last one.
Oh my god, I hid a wine bottle in my boot.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
i think god would be more upset with me for turning down such a beautifully crafted cock than he would for me liking girls
They came over the loud speaker and said "no laying on the dance floor.." I thought i was dancing, but apparently that's just the way it started out.
Happy 4th. Did you guys get your syphilis thing taken care of?
Adulthood is weird i just cleared a check larger than my gross income from 2011 but i also just did coke during my lunch break
I'm out of milk so I'm dunking my Oreos in Bailey's; this is my life now.
So I think I've successful blown my foot off in a way that's going to make you call me an idiot.
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
Maybe i don’t have a tell. Maybe wine is my poker face.
Dude on the shuttle bus eating a Butterfinger and watch porn on his phone and doesn’t give a fuck who knows
We need to get on his level
Randomize
