Flowers- 20. Dinner-50. Drinks- 25. Hotel- 150. The look on his face when I tell him I'm on my period? Priceless.
I just heard a guy scream "it must be five o' clock!!" and another guy screamed "somewhere!!!" out from different balconies.
He just fingered me to the Lion King soundtrack. And when he left he turned dramatically and said "I'll be back after work. Be prepared." Taint ALL the childhood memories.
Finals week...the biggest cock block since your brother threatened me with a beer bottle at the bar.
She had caution tape on her head and she blew me.
i'm totally cool with all the dick sucking you're doing down there, but as your brother i think i'm supposed to warn you our parents will be home in 5
Well that's the second time I've broken a lamp during sex this month. Starting to worry I'm some kind of X-man. (this one was a wall sconce and I fully smashed it with my head and it crumbled like it was made of sugar)
The secret to finals week is to have an orgasm for every point you need on the test before you take it.
Got a snapchat from Megan last night showing you sobbing about a burrito on the floor with Dan in the background trying not to laugh his ass off
You coming to give me head and eat tacos?
yeah, but I wanna be the girl that makes him realize he's 100% gay
last night I mixed vodka in with my protein shake... and you tell me my new years resolution was impossible
I don't know what to say to you.
I don't know what I said to you. Start with that.
About the whale....I wasn't completely awake.
The best walk of shames are on the highway
Randomize
