Fucking love it maybe bedazzle some baby seals? Make them cuter? Who would club a bedazzled baby seal? Only a fucking monster.
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
He's drunk and putting on a tie for the jimmy john's delivery guy
Don't worry we did the "promise to get an abortion" handshake
Before I left he asked me if I could submit my panties for the frat house undergarment chandelier. I said yes
I just won't go as hard tonight. Four dollar ladies night drink or drown is not a good idea for me. I like to get my money's worth.
You know what my problem is? I'm like a machine designed for the sole intention of removing the pants from damaged girls.
we used the fire extinguisher you had been cuddling with to decorate the cop car while they were inside arresting everyone
Thank god crabs can't live on your head. Thank god.
My mom just walked in and saw a picture of his penis. She then asked me "Do you even have a cervix left?!" I don't know what to feel anymore HA
Yeah well that's a good thing right? Like mothers approval? Kinda like a Fathers blessing but. . . better?
Less adorably, the dog stared me down, yelping, while I gave him a morning blowie.
Putting plan B on my parents credit card wasn't the smartest idea
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
Want to have dinner and we can talk about how my vagina can make you feel better?
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
Randomize
