OH RELAX, IT WAS PITY SEX.....
I want to take you away to a place of dolphin rides and hot stone massages.
DON'T LET IAN EAT HIS PEANUT BUTTER!!!
Just remembered that I poured a whole bottle of tylenol in there. It's chunky. It's deadly.
... They left for 10 minutes and came back with a lobster he's in the toilet downstairs
No, no... it's pale and surrounded by awkward, curly, red hair. It's the Ronald McDonald of penises.
Good thing I left work early to shave my balls because traffic sucked ass, which I was written up for and my reason on the write was "to close on time, have to shave balls for date tonight". Oh yea, that was a bold statement right there
Did you really get 12 corn dogs from the gas station last night?
I ate an entire popcorn ball before bed. I know that because there is popcorn stuck to my poncho. Also. I'm still drunk. Also. I made out with a 19 year old. Also. #barnparties
Hey can you send me a copy of my mugshot? I need it to prove a point
We had a moment of silence for all of the orgasms he gave me with his beard before he shaved it off.
Very unfortunate to find out the kid who took your virginity has never seen Star Wars🙃
while giving me head, she stopped, looked up at me smiling and said "ill never be able to look at bananas the same way again" and then went back to work.
"keg stand!" on a roof abruptly turned into "call the medics"
It baffles me why I still wear white underwear...
I am NOT losing my v-card to a guy who doesn't know my ass from my elbow.
Randomize
