this wart on my finger ripped off while i was fingering this girl the other night. she thought she had gotten her period and started crying so i went with. its better for both of us that way
My parents came down to check and make sure I wasn't into any mischief then proceeded to give me alcohol.
You poured sparks in your panties and NOW you're wondering why you have a UTI?
dont you remember the bouncer yelling at you while you were trying to piss?
no. why was the bouncer in the bathroom?
he wasn't. neither were you.
i just shit on the floor of my room. my roommate was in the bathroom, my choices were limited.
My life has become a never ending game of 'illegal or just frowned upon?'
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
I'm drugging my best friend. I'm like a whole new level of bitch.
I five year old is judging me because I just opened a bottle of Sam Adams with my teeth before 8am
The important thing is not that we avoid making mistakes, but that we avoid learning from them.
Remember last time I drank with my mom? I asked if I got my dick sucking abilities from her.
wow. there is a man who hates the post office more than me. he is causing a scene, this is a snapshot of elderly me.
No, I found out he was gay when I walked in on him blowing the guy from the dorm room next to ours.
Oh. My. God. It is NOT okay to drink Johnny Walker when there is no Jameson. My skull is eating my brain.
Is it weird that I'm smoking a cig on my back patio in a sports bra and underwear?
Randomize
