She has a t-rex face on a stuart little body.
I least I know I can't get pregnant because it's on my hair
Do you ever just think "I could really go for a good 30 minute blowjob". I do. Everytime jill smiles.
Judging by my dry clothes and wet sheets, I think I might have gotten out of bed, pissed ON it, covered it up, and passed out on top of it
She's popping painkillers like they're tic tacs and singing the soundtrack to dreamgirls. It's you're turn to babysit her.
All of the texts in my phone just say "BEER". I woke up with glowsticks on my arm. What happened last night?
I had to keep telling myself 'you can't be mad at him because you peed on him'
No one suspects that a sweet girl who is excited about her anniversary with her bf just blew her partner at work in a communal area a few hours ago, so its cool.
He expects to fuck my tits but will ignore me in public.
I taught her to play Monopoly. She sold me her bra to keep from going bankrupt.
Now I'm ashamed that I wore a bra
I think my sex life is about to turn into a war on two fronts
sitting in a shitty karaoke bar playing pokemon go and drinking a mimosa. how is your sunday night
don’t ask me. i snorted coke off of a pregnancy test box last night. i obviously don’t make the best life choices.
Like honey no, I’m getting groceries while pretending that having sexy talk with you is turning me on
Randomize
